Triggers

Triggers can mean a lot of things to different people. To me they mean two things:
1. Something that triggers flashbacks to my sexual assault.
2. something that triggers an episode of depression or symptoms in general if i am already depressed.

My main trigger for depression has always been my family. if I go back and think what was going on in my life before the episode, there has ALWAYS been a familial factor at play. I am a very sensitive and I am sympathetic and emphathetic to a fault. As a kid I remember seeing a senior sitting in a McDonalds reading the paper and wanting to cry because they were alone. My mom told me that it was okay that they were alone but i thought it was the sadest thing in the world. Still as an adult I know to turn away from fighting couples or depressed looking people. A (selfish) choice I have made for my wellbeing. I have a very hard time being around people when they have depressive symptoms (too close to home) and this goes even for my partner
My family members are not this way at all, therefore we have a severe clash when it comes to what we consider showing love and support is. Arguements or demonstrations of this clash have triggered all my episodes. Currently I am on the last bits of the longest episode I have ever had. It has been 13 months now. Normally my episodes last 6-8 months but this one was a bit different:

-my parents moved to the city
-I was diagnosed with 2 other disorders
-I finally stoped denying the severity of my disorder(s) and that I would deal with it all my life
-My grandpa died: a topic that has become a trigger

These factors really postponed my recovery and I can tell that I am going to be in limbo here (between a healthy mindset and depression) for a while because my symptoms are interacting with my triggers and keeping me down. My parents now live in the city (they moved here 14 months ago... see the trigger there?) and my thoughts of my grandparents (how much I miss him and how much I worry for her) are never far out of my mind.

Knowing what your triggers are is VERY important. Problem with me is that I cannot cut my family out of my life (honestly, if I could, I would... if they were friends they would be cut...but they are family) so I have to deal with that trigger on a very regular basis and have yet to find a way to manage it.

posted 4:59