Just this year my psychiatrist discussed with me my 'bipolar tendencies' (read: "you don't really fit into our categories so I am just going to say you mostly have major depressive disorder but you sometimes have manic-y symptoms"). Its been an interesting (?) addition to my experience of mental illness. I had suspected that something like that had been going on but had never really spoken to an 'expert' about it. It was shocking how hard it was to deal with the 'diagnoses'. To me what it meant was: I will have to deal with mental illness for the rest of my life (a realisation I had denied for years and was some how forced to face then) and that it could all possibly get worse. But i digress
Lately, because my anti depressants were increased, and that can trigger manic episodes, I have been having hypomanic symptoms (I have never had a full blown manic episode). This weekend I decided to cut my hair - myself. Never a good idea. I had done that last spring but I spent a good couple hours on it and it ended up looking pretty sweet. Well this time, while I wasn't able to stop myself from doing it in the first place, I was so ashamed and embarrassed that I was doing it/had done it that after I chopped haphazardly at it I just left it. Tomorrow I am going to get it fixed (definitely going to tell my hair dresser what happened so that she isn't like "who cut your hair like this!?"). I had to remind myself that just like my depression, its not my fault that i feel this way sometimes. It is something that I should work toward controlling and avoiding, just like my depression, but not something to beat myself up over.
This is such a hard task. it took years to accept myself and my depression (and even this acceptance is quite superficial) and now i have to accept this too... grrr. I know that this is part of why mental illness creates shame - its hard to accept that you cannot be in complete control of yourself. I know another side of it is internalized stigma - I know that some people think its 'crazy' to act this way. But I think because I have no experience with these new symptoms I am having a hard time with how 'funny' these symptoms can be seen to be. My partner kinda laughed and while he had no malicious intent I was so hurt. I mean it is kinda funny... if I decided to cut my hair one day because i was too cheap to get a hair cut or something and it turned out bad that would be something worth laughing about. In this case, of course, its a bit different as i really didnt choose to do it. I didnt tell one of my friends cause i knew she would make fun of me. plus I just cant help but think how 'stupid' i am for doing something like that.
Besides repeating 'its okay, I am not weak, this is not something to beat myself up over,' what more can I do? This isnt the kind of thing that doctors often talk about - the mental consequences of the experience of being on drugs that change your behaviour in ways you cannot, and how your self perception changes when you have been dealing with mental illness and even diagnoses themselves.
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in the mind of a crazy feminist: a space where feminist ideology and the experience of mental illness can unfurl
Welcome
Considering how prevalent mental illness is, why do so few bloggers talk about it?
The aim of this blog is to write about my experience with mental illness, developments in my life as well as issues in the field of mental health all the while keeping a feminist framework.
I hope you can take something from this blog, whatever that may be.
The aim of this blog is to write about my experience with mental illness, developments in my life as well as issues in the field of mental health all the while keeping a feminist framework.
I hope you can take something from this blog, whatever that may be.
About Me
About my writing style
While I can be described as generally quite pessimistic and passionate (others would say angry) person, most of what I write here is never really 'angry', but rather the result of having had to bottle up frustrations. As an active feminist activist I am often frustrated with the wall one often faces because of ingrained sexism and other forms of discrimination that penetrates all levels of our society; but as an activist I have an outlet to release this frustration and 'do something about it'. With my experience of mental illness I have had to bottle these feelings because, it seems, my friends and family feel uncomfortable if I talk about it, my doctors sure do not want to hear about it, and often I have enough self doubt that even I will disregard its importance.
But here, I get to release these experiences and frustrations. I get to get them off my chest and work through them in my own way.
So if I sounds angry, its probably just frustration with a healthy dose of sarcasm. ; )
But here, I get to release these experiences and frustrations. I get to get them off my chest and work through them in my own way.
So if I sounds angry, its probably just frustration with a healthy dose of sarcasm. ; )
A short history
Age of first diagnoses: 17
Number of diagnoses given: 4
Number of relapses: 4
Years of psychotherapy: 2.5
Number of perscriptions tried: 6
'Alternative' treatments: accupuncture
Years of my life affected: over 10
Number of relationships affected/destroyed: all but one
Job/volunteer position offers withdrawn directly because of my diagnosis: 3
Favorite strange side effect: yawning
Number of diagnoses given: 4
Number of relapses: 4
Years of psychotherapy: 2.5
Number of perscriptions tried: 6
'Alternative' treatments: accupuncture
Years of my life affected: over 10
Number of relationships affected/destroyed: all but one
Job/volunteer position offers withdrawn directly because of my diagnosis: 3
Favorite strange side effect: yawning
My feminist beginings
I never considered myself a feminist until I was 21 and in my third year of university. I told my roomate in a low voice,
"I think I am a feminist".
It was if it was a dark confession.
Now it is one of the ways I define myself and I believe it shapes how others see me. I like that it does.
"I think I am a feminist".
It was if it was a dark confession.
Now it is one of the ways I define myself and I believe it shapes how others see me. I like that it does.
A note on "experts"
It becomes apparent quickly that I am a bit skeptical of the knowledge we have of psychology/psychiatry. My extensive experience with doctors of all sorts has only convinced me that at times psychology/psychiatry are pseudo sciences. What I mean by this is that the people who study and practice these fields - those we call "experts" - often do not know how the mind works, boundaries of diagnoses often blur and there is little awareness of why some treatments work when others do not. Psychiatric drugs are litterally a shot in the dark because often scientists do not know how or why they work, research just tells them that sometimes they do. Diagnoses are at times laughable in how vague and inadequate they are. (How many of us has heard, "you have (bipolar) tendencies" or "characteristics of (obessive compulsive disorder)".)
BUT, to make myself clear, I am not angry toward or dismiss the role of these "experts", they are doing the best they can with limited knowledge. But thats just it... how can anyone be a true expert when so little is known of a subject?
BUT, to make myself clear, I am not angry toward or dismiss the role of these "experts", they are doing the best they can with limited knowledge. But thats just it... how can anyone be a true expert when so little is known of a subject?
Blogathon 2009
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