It is amazing that even with my numerous years of experience I am still able to down play my symptoms when I am between episodes. Perhaps this is a tendency which contributes to the number of people who have a mental illness who do not seek and sort of help. For example, in my last post I mentioned how the side effects of my new meds were making it hard for me to rationalize my use of them and that hypomania was preferable. Of course this weekend on a particularly symptom heavy day I thought, okay these side effects are better than experiencing this hypomania all time. In both cases I saw my past experience in a much greener light.
Considering when you have a cold and you suddenly realise just HOW NICE it is to be able to breath easy out of your nose, with mental illness when the going is good (between episodes) or particularly difficult in a one sided kind of way (side effects) one may down play the worst of things and think, 'it really wasnt so bad'. Some times it shocks me, especially considering how many times I have been suicidal, one would think I would be cognisant of just how bad it was!
Is this not about down playing one's experience, especially when it comes it is stigmatized? We need to give ourselves more credit for enduring they diagnosis and experience of mental illness. It is difficult; even if we justify this solely by the fact that often one of the most important diagnostic factors is whether or not symptoms disrupt ones daily life. So how do we do this? How do we give justice to our experiences? Generally I would think keeping a journal during those hard times to remind ourselves would be an effective strategy, but I would be afraid that may trigger an episode or at least make me very sad and potentially ashamed. Perhaps reminding myself how deserving I am of this recognition for my strengths by repeating a relevant mantra or saying would be sufficient?
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in the mind of a crazy feminist: a space where feminist ideology and the experience of mental illness can unfurl
Welcome
Considering how prevalent mental illness is, why do so few bloggers talk about it?
The aim of this blog is to write about my experience with mental illness, developments in my life as well as issues in the field of mental health all the while keeping a feminist framework.
I hope you can take something from this blog, whatever that may be.
The aim of this blog is to write about my experience with mental illness, developments in my life as well as issues in the field of mental health all the while keeping a feminist framework.
I hope you can take something from this blog, whatever that may be.
About Me
About my writing style
While I can be described as generally quite pessimistic and passionate (others would say angry) person, most of what I write here is never really 'angry', but rather the result of having had to bottle up frustrations. As an active feminist activist I am often frustrated with the wall one often faces because of ingrained sexism and other forms of discrimination that penetrates all levels of our society; but as an activist I have an outlet to release this frustration and 'do something about it'. With my experience of mental illness I have had to bottle these feelings because, it seems, my friends and family feel uncomfortable if I talk about it, my doctors sure do not want to hear about it, and often I have enough self doubt that even I will disregard its importance.
But here, I get to release these experiences and frustrations. I get to get them off my chest and work through them in my own way.
So if I sounds angry, its probably just frustration with a healthy dose of sarcasm. ; )
But here, I get to release these experiences and frustrations. I get to get them off my chest and work through them in my own way.
So if I sounds angry, its probably just frustration with a healthy dose of sarcasm. ; )
A short history
Age of first diagnoses: 17
Number of diagnoses given: 4
Number of relapses: 4
Years of psychotherapy: 2.5
Number of perscriptions tried: 6
'Alternative' treatments: accupuncture
Years of my life affected: over 10
Number of relationships affected/destroyed: all but one
Job/volunteer position offers withdrawn directly because of my diagnosis: 3
Favorite strange side effect: yawning
Number of diagnoses given: 4
Number of relapses: 4
Years of psychotherapy: 2.5
Number of perscriptions tried: 6
'Alternative' treatments: accupuncture
Years of my life affected: over 10
Number of relationships affected/destroyed: all but one
Job/volunteer position offers withdrawn directly because of my diagnosis: 3
Favorite strange side effect: yawning
My feminist beginings
I never considered myself a feminist until I was 21 and in my third year of university. I told my roomate in a low voice,
"I think I am a feminist".
It was if it was a dark confession.
Now it is one of the ways I define myself and I believe it shapes how others see me. I like that it does.
"I think I am a feminist".
It was if it was a dark confession.
Now it is one of the ways I define myself and I believe it shapes how others see me. I like that it does.
A note on "experts"
It becomes apparent quickly that I am a bit skeptical of the knowledge we have of psychology/psychiatry. My extensive experience with doctors of all sorts has only convinced me that at times psychology/psychiatry are pseudo sciences. What I mean by this is that the people who study and practice these fields - those we call "experts" - often do not know how the mind works, boundaries of diagnoses often blur and there is little awareness of why some treatments work when others do not. Psychiatric drugs are litterally a shot in the dark because often scientists do not know how or why they work, research just tells them that sometimes they do. Diagnoses are at times laughable in how vague and inadequate they are. (How many of us has heard, "you have (bipolar) tendencies" or "characteristics of (obessive compulsive disorder)".)
BUT, to make myself clear, I am not angry toward or dismiss the role of these "experts", they are doing the best they can with limited knowledge. But thats just it... how can anyone be a true expert when so little is known of a subject?
BUT, to make myself clear, I am not angry toward or dismiss the role of these "experts", they are doing the best they can with limited knowledge. But thats just it... how can anyone be a true expert when so little is known of a subject?
Blogathon 2009
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