Fearing one's self

I have had very few relationships which I would call 'successful'. While all relationships - romantic, friendship or otherwise - have their problems, I do not consider it to be a 'normal' relationship problem when friends/family etc stop calling when you are ill, I consider that an unsuccessful relationship. Am I wrong to think that a good relationship is one where the members can depend upon each other when the times get rough?
Recently, however, I have come to be in a relationship with a person who shows me the closest thing to unconditional love I could ever imagine. Sometimes I still dont believe it! I feel SO lucky to have someone who doesnt leave when I get sick
How sad is that?
Either way I am very fortunate to have this person in my life, but even better this person is my partner who I can imagine spending my life with. We have a healthy relationship and of course we have our problems but we are pretty good at working through them. He is much more emotionally stable than most people so compared to me.. oh god! He is like a mountain in my forest of chaos!
One problem I do have with his zen style is that when he does get upset about something in his life it is very upsetting to me and often i will completely reject him and those feelings. See when he does get upset, he has very similiar (though non clinical) symptoms of depression. When I see this, I bolt. Its too close to home. I see how he looks and how he is feeling and its like I am there with him, back in my depression.
So I panic and reject him.
To reject the only person who has ever excepted me is the epitome of hypocracy. I am getting a bit better at comforting him and helping him to work through it.
What it comes down to is this: When he is like that, it reminds me of my own pain, the part of me I hate and fear. Will I ever be able to accept him fully and how he processes his problems until I accept myself?

Rethink's 'Time to Change' summer campaign

I saw on Twitter today that Rethink is holding a campaign to challenge the stigma regarding mental illness. It got me thinking about what concerns me most because of my own experience with mental illness. I think I have three primary areas of concern: 1. Stigma and discrimination 2. treatment and recovery and 3. the 'experts' who work in the field.

[A note: I am lucky to live in a country and community that ensures access to mental health resources. I have good health coverage and, due to financial assistance from my parents for these services, I am able to go to and pay for Psychologists and access perscription drugs I other wise could not afford. Access is a huge issue, however, for many people and is major problem. While I don't think ill be talking about it much, as I dont have personal experience with it, I dont want people to think that because it is missing from my discussion I am denying its importance.]

Almost nine out of ten people with mental health problems (87%) reported the negative impact of stigma and discrimination on their lives. I know for me it has meant the loss of friends as well as opportunities (I was turned down as a volunteer for that reason alone). The most frustrating and hurtful affect of stigma has been the way it changes how people see me. I can actually see the moment in their eyes as their perception of me changes. (Of course, this may actually be the affect of my own internalized stigma assuming people will see me differently and perhaps I am only projecting this onto others.)
The hardest is the way my family reacts to my illness(es). Once my dad actually told me 'I avoid you when you are depressed because I dont want to be around you'. Another time, when I asked if he knew of any cases of mental illness in his family he told me 'there are no crazies in our family'. I turned and said, 'except me dad'.
My parents believe that paying for psychologists and perscriptions replace their lack of emotional support. While I could not access those resources with out their help, I feel they use it to assure themselves they are 'helping' when in fact they reject me and my illness when I am sick and pretend it is none existent when I am well.

Speaking of being well, I sometimes wonder how that comes to be. Naturally, it is claimed (in one of my psych text books), that often untreated depression will pass with time - often 6-8 months. While I have, it feels, undergone all the treatment available under the sun, I have to wonder what, if any of it, actually works. In my 4th year of Uni I took an Abnormal Psychology class. When we were learning about anti-depressants my prof informed the class that they have an effective rate of 75%. Sounds pretty good until you learn that 50% of that is placebo! Dont get me wrong, if something helps people to reduce their suffering, i am all for it, but antidepressants have the air of a miracle drug and yet are only proven to work 25% of the time; it is more affective to treat depression with sugar pills under the guise of the label 'antidepressants'.
I also find it quite frightening that researchers and scientists do not know FOR SURE how the drugs work. Sometimes I wonder why I am trusting a person in a white coat enough to put this mystery drug in my body. In a sense I consume a drug which shotgun sprays my system so that sometimes (25% of the time!) the drugs seem to hit the proper points and helps with the symptoms, while almost 100% of the time it hits numerous other (wrong) parts in my brain and body causing a slew of side affects. (my favorite side affect, because its quite funny, is how my perscription induces yawning!)
Of course, in my case and many others, I inevitably relapse after a period of sweet sweet bliss also known as 'normal' emotional regulation, and I end up being forced to make the choice of what route I will take for recovery as I have yet to find one that works effectively for me.

The 'experts' I visit all seem so confident as they suggest options of treatment but sometimes I feel they really have no idea what they are talking about. I put expert in scare quotes because while I do not deny their extensive training and their desire to help, we do not understand fully mental illness so how can someone be an 'expert'? They may be aware of the leading evidence and theories but when we look at the history of treating mental illness we see a very clear trend: A theory comes forward to explain the 'cause' of the illness (ex Hippocratic writers believed that too much black bile caused melancholy or what we now call depression - information from Manic-depressive illness By Frederick K. Goodwin, Kay Redfield Jamison, S. Nassir Ghaemi via Google Books), from which new treatments come to combat this cause (ex bloodletting to decrease black bile in blood). Today we seem the same thing: mentail illness is seen to be caused by the brain and neurochemistry, therefore we treat this supposed cause with drugs which target the brain (just as bloodletting targetted the blood). But truth be told we are still not sure HOW it is caused. I read in the book "
Mad, Bad and Sad: A History of Women and the Mind Doctors from 1800‎, that the recovery rates of today are very similar to the rates a hundred years ago. Clearly we do not have nor have we ever had 'experts'. I would be much happier if we recognized this fact and perhaps changed the understanding of professionals in this area as experts of mental illness literature and theory. But instead professionals in this area are seen as 'experts', those that hold the 'truth' of mental illness, even over those with a long history of experiencing mental illness.

I know I am not the only patient who feels frustrated when our experience of mental illness is sidelined because it does not 'fit' with the clinitians understanding of disorder. I have a psychiatrist who changes her diagnoses of me almost each time I see her. While it is 'just a title' for the problem i have, it affects which drugs she gives me. Last year my psychologist encouraged me to see a psychiatrist. After our first meeting she diagnosed me with depression and started me on drug A (I am not going to list names, I do not advertise for drug companies). at our second meeting she decided i had some 'bipolar tendencies' and put me on drug B, a anti convulsant used to manage mania in those with bipolar. At our third meeting we decided to add Drug C to my mix, another antidepressent that would help with mood but also combat some of the side affects of drug A. When I went back the fourth time and spoke of my concern that perhaps i needed Drug A or C increased she told me that it seems I also had some borderline personality disorder characteristics and because of this, refused to increase my dosage becuase the symptoms where probably just there on account of the BPD.
All of this is not only terribly confusing but scary as hell! After chatting with me for 20 minutes she decides drugs to put me on and levels to fiddle with and also will withhold drugs because of new diagnoses she sees that she didnt see before? I no longer trust her as a doctor, but continue to see her because GPs are typically uncomfortable adjusting drug A or C becuase they are not familiar with drug B. Now, when I decide to see her, I go with a plan. I tell her exactly what i think i need and she just gives it to me with not much question (typical for Uni doctors I have found).

So where does this leave me. Well it leaves me stuck in a whole crap load of confusion, thats where! Ha
As I said in my introduction post, I dont have the opportunity to discuss this with friends or family and definately not my psychologist or psychiatrist (who i feel are always thinking 'oh this is a symptom' becuase that is what a BPD diagnoses allows!) so its nice to rant here. But at least I am in a good enough place to be able to laugh about it now.

Anyone have any thoughts? Similar experiences?

Some Stats from the Mood Disorders Society of Canada

Mental Illness in Canada

-Chances of having a mental illness in your lifetime in Canada: One in five.
-At any given time, percentage of Canadians who have a mental illness: 10.4%
-Percentage of Canadians who experience a major depression in their lifetime: 8%
-Percentage of Canadians who will experience bi-polar disorder in their lifetime: 1%
-Percentage of Canadians who will experience schizophrenia in their lifetime: 1%
-Percentage of Canadians who will experience an anxiety disorder in their lifetime: 12%
-Percentage of Canadians affected by eating disorders in their lifetime: 3% of women and 0.3% of men.
-Age with the highest rate of depression symptoms: Under 20 years of age
-Age with the highest rate of anxiety symptoms: 20 – 29 years of age
-Unemployment rate among people with serious mental illness: 70 – 90%
-Likelihood people with mental illness will commit violent acts: No greater than the general population.
-Likelihood people with mental illness will be victims of crime: 2.5 times that of the general population.
-The cost of supporting someone with serious mental illness to live in the community: $34,418 per year (all costs)
-The cost of keeping someone with serious mental illness in the hospital: $170,820 per year.
-Percentage of the world’s population affected by serious mental illness: 2%
-Leading cause of years lived with disability in the world: Depression
-Fourth leading cause of disability and premature death in the world: Depression
-The group of illnesses that contributes more to the global burden of disease than all
cancers combined: Mental disorders
-Most common cause of violent death in the world: Suicide
Suicide: 49.1%
Homicide: 31.3%
War-related: 18.6%

Depression
-Percentage of Canadians who will experience depression in their lifetime: 7.9 – 8.6%
-Percentage of Canadians at any one point in time who are depressed: 4 – 5%
-Likelihood of women experiencing depression: 2 times that of men
-Age of onset for depression: Adolescence
-Percentage of people who are depressed who respond well to treatment: 80%
-Percentage of people who are depression who never seek treatment: 90%

Bipolar Disorder
-Percentage of Canadians who will experience bi-polar disorder in their lifetime: 1%
-Mortality rate, including suicide, among people with bipolar disorder: 2 – 3 times higher than the general population
-Rates of bipolar disorder among men and women: Roughly equal.
-Number of doctors a person will see, on average, before obtaining the correct diagnosis of bipolar disorder: 4
-Number of years a person with bipolar disorder will spend seeking help, on average, before they are successful: 8

Personality disorders:
-This group of mental disorders is not well studied in Canada.
-US figures report prevalence rates of 6% - 9%.
-Hospitalization rate for young Canadian women with personality disorders as opposed to young men: 3 times the rate.
Borderline (volatile interpersonal relationships and extreme impulsivity)
Antisocial (disregard for, and violation of the rights of others and the laws of society)
Histrionic (highly emotional and in need of constant attention from others)
Narcissistic (focused on self and own needs, lack of empathy for others)
Avoidant (social isolation and extreme sensitivity to opinions of others)
Dependent (submissive and clinging)
Schizoid (Detachment from others and limited range of
emotional expression)
Paranoid (distrustful, suspicious, negative interpretation of others’ intentions)
Obsessive-compulsive (ritual behaviours, preoccupation with orderliness
and cleanliness)
Schizoidal (cognitive or perceptual distortions, eccentric behaviour)

Women
-Likelihood women will develop depression in their lifetime: Twice as likely as men.
-Percentage of women who will develop depression during pregnancy: 10%
-Percentage of women in the general population who will develop postpartum depression: 15 – 20%.
-Percentage of women with a history of depression that will experience postpartum depression: 30%
-Percentage of women who have experienced a postpartum depression who are likely to re-experience it in a subsequent pregnancy: 50%
-Percentage of women who develop postpartum psychosis (depression accompanied by delusions and disordered thinking): 0.1 – 0.2%
-Percentage of women with bi-polar disorder who develop postpartum psychosis: 50% -In the world, those most affected by violent conflict, war, disaster and displacement: 80% are women and children
-Percentage of women in the world who experience rape or attempted rape in their lifetime: 20%
-The country that ranks the highest in the world for gender equality: Canada

Offenders
-Percentage increase in mental illness among offenders in the last decade: More than 100%
-Training available on mental illness and addiction for front line correction staff: None
-Percentage of inmates under psychiatric treatment prior to incarceration: 14%
-Percentage of inmates who had attempted suicide in the preceding five years: Women (21%), men (14%).
-Percentage of women offenders with a substance abuse problem: 43%
-Percentage of women offenders who say alcohol or drugs played a role in their crime: 69%
-Percentage of women offenders who self-harm (cutting, burning or otherwise violating the body): 59%
-Number of federally sentenced women who have children: Two thirds
-Number of women offenders with histories of physical and/or sexual abuse: 72% of provincially sentenced women, 82% of federally sentenced women and 90% of federally sentenced Aboriginal women.
-Percentage of offenders in Calgary Remand Centre with mental illness: Women: 50% Men: 56%
-Percentage lifetime diagnosis of mental illness among Edmonton offenders: 92% and of those 87% also had a substance abuse disorder
-Percentage increase in police time spent responding to calls about the mentally ill in London Ontario: 100%

Aboriginal peoples:
-Rate of suicide among Aboriginal youth in Canada as compared to non-Aboriginal: Five to six times higher.
-Aboriginal people account for 3% of the Canadian population but represent 18% of federal inmates.
-Percentage of residential school survivors with a mental illness: 98% (BC study)
-Percentage with substance abuse problems: 26.3%
-Percentage with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: 64.2%
-Percentage who have experienced a major depression: 30.4%
-Percentage with chronic depression: 26.1%
-Likelihood of off-reserve Aboriginal people experiencing depression: 1.5 times the general population.
-Leading cause of death of Aboriginal people between the ages of 1 and 44: suicide.
Ages 10 – 19 - 38% of all deaths
Ages 20 – 44 - 23% of all deaths
-Overall suicide rate as compared to the rest of Canada: 2.1 times higher.
-Years of life lost to suicide among Aboriginal peoples: Greater than all cancers combined.
-Suicide rate among Aboriginal men aged 15 - 34: From 4 – 5 times greater than the general population
-Suicide rate among Aboriginal women aged 15 - 34: From 5 – 8 times greater than the general population.
-The most important factor in reducing suicide in Aboriginal communities: Community self-government.
-Other protective factors:
Control over land
Band-controlled schools
Community control over health services
Presence of cultural facilities
Community control over fire and police services
-Rate of suicide in Aboriginal communities where none of these factors are present: 137.5 per 100,000 (noting that the national average is 14 per 100,000)
-Rate of suicide in Aboriginal communities where all of these factors are present: Zero

Homeless:
-Percentage of homeless people who have had either a mental illness or a substance abuse diagnosis: 86%
-Percentage of homeless people with mental illness that also had a substance abuse problem: 75%
-Percentage that said that their illness was the reason they became homeless: 22%
-Percentage of homeless people with schizophrenia: 5.7%
-Percentage of homeless people with mood disorders: 38%
-In the year prior to being homeless: 30% had been in jail; 6% had been in a psychiatric hospital
25% had been clients of a mental health clinic; 20% had received addiction services
-Percentage of homeless people with mental illness: 30 – 35%
-Percentage of homeless women with a mental illness: 75%
-Percentage of formerly homeless people who were helped to find housing who remained in their home 9 months later: 91%

Mental Illness in the workplace

-Percentage of short term disability claims related to mental illness in Canada: 75%
-Percentage of long term disability claims related to mental illness in Canada: 79%
-Percentage increase in long term disability costs: 27%
-Fastest growing category of disability costs to Canadian employers: Depression
-Annual losses to the Canadian economy due to mental illness and substance abuse in the workplace: $33 billion
-Amount employer will save, per employee per year, for those who get treatment: from $5000 - $10,000 in average wage replacement, sick leave and prescription drug costs.
-Percentage of people with serious mental illness who are unemployed: 70 – 90%
-Percentage of people with serious mental illness who want to work: 80%
-Attitude toward people with disabilities:
Physical disability: Most comfortable
Depression: Least comfortable

Stigma

-The percentage of 556 UK respondents who reported that either they or a family member had experienced stigma as a result of mental illness: 70%.
-Of those, the percentage who experienced stigma: within their own family: 56%
from friends: 52%
from their primary care physician: 44%
from other health care professionals: 32%
within their workplace: 30%
-Number of people with mental illness either turned down for a job for which they were qualified or, if employed, dismissed

From: Quick Facts on Mental Illness and Addictions in Canada, 2nd Edition, (September 2007) from the Mood Disorders Society of Canada