I am lucky to say that I have never attempted suicide. I am lucky to have never been in that place. I have been suicidal on a number of occasions but never passed the planning phase. During my last episode I approached the attempt phase dangerously. I am lucky to have had someone in my life who I decided I did not want to have to deal with my death. He saved me because I was there, it was over, he was the only reason why I didnt attempt my death.
Having been so close has required a certain level of healing. When people talk about suicide I feel very uncomfortable. I dont think many people know what it is like to be there in that space when there is only one option. When people talk about it it reminds me of what it was like being there and the sadness is unbearable. I also feel ashamed that I was so close to doing that to my partner. I know that ultimately I made the right choice but the shame of suicide has stayed with me.
Some people say that suicide is the most selfish act one can make. I dont know how I feel about this. I think that is something that people who have never been there would say. Something that people say when they find out that a friend or loved one was suicidal. I would agree it is selfish if we take selfish to mean only doing something for one's self. But I do think that some choices need to be made selfishly. This is not to say that I think suicide is the right option. Suicide is a permanent solution. I know that I choose temporary solutions to my pain, long term or short. If you are in that place do WHATEVER it takes to comfort yourself. Anything but that. I know that I hate when people say this but it will get better. When I first heard that I thought 'you just dont get it do you?' This will never get better. I am pained to say that I learned that this is in fact true. It does get better. Even if it gets only a little better... its better. And then it gets a bit better than that.. and so on.
I have made a decision now that I am recovered (however temporary that may be). If I am feeling that I am there again, that there is only that option, I will go to the emergency room and will sit with supervision until I can manage again. I think it is important to make decisions like this when one is lucid because it sticks with you when you are not and it can be the only voice that will get through your pain when all other voices cannot.
I am still healing from being in that place. I think that feeling of being so close will be with me for the rest of my life. I think this is a good thing, for maybe it will remind me how thankful I am that I did not commit suicide.