Welcome

Considering how prevalent mental illness is, why do so few bloggers talk about it?

The aim of this blog is to write about my experience with mental illness, developments in my life as well as issues in the field of mental health all the while keeping a feminist framework.

I hope you can take something from this blog, whatever that may be.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Gravity Journal by Gail Sidonie Sobat


I picked up a book for teens by an author I had read before. It sounded interesting – its main plot line is the experiences of a girl with mental illness – so I thought I would give it a try. It was an enjoyable read, very accessible too. A quick synopsis from the book’s back cover:


Life is very grave for Anise. Hospitalized for anorexia, she wonders about the point of it all. Her frigid mother and ineffectual father seem oblivious to her struggle. Her beloved brother is too busy screwing up his own life to take note of hers. Living on the loony ward seems not to be making any difference at all, and Anise feels like a prisoner. Her only free choice is to turn to her journal – the place where she can make scathing observations about her family, other people, the world; the place where she can dream, and where she can decide whether to live or die.


Like I said, it was an easy and enjoyable read. I think Gail Sidonie Sobat, the author of this book, has a way of making any topic interesting. She talks about very important issues in this book. Not only about anorexia but also suicide, cutting, hospitalization, and the treatment options for of mental illness. It was surprising to see such bold discussion of these topics – I know that I expect only allusions to suicide or cutting, but in the book there is outright discussion. I give credit to the publishers, Great Plains Publications, for printing the book so raw. I think this fact cannot be over emphasized as I think it is very important for youth to have resources for thinking about these issues.

These facts aside, the book was a bit disappointing. I think there was so much potential for greatness that was not realized. The characters were simplified and predictable. I think Anise’s life was oversimplified as well. While I don’t want to dismiss the experiences of those similar to Anise’s I really thought the book portrayed a very simple and, honestly, easy experience with anorexia. Mental illness, especially illness requiring hospitalization, is devastating. Women, girls and men who are hospitalized and force fed are often at the edge of death. All aspects of your life are affected and relationships are often ruined. I wanted to see a book that really recognizes the depth of suffering people with mental illness endure.

Sobat secured a hopeful ending which is a positive thing… but is it realistic? The reoccurrence of anorexia is something like 90% but Sobat left the reader thinking that as long as Anise works hard, she will be successful. Maybe that is true, or maybe mental illness can be so strong that it can rip through people like nobodys business. I kept wondering if this was because the author was writing from an outsider perspective. Perhaps she has experienced hospitalizing anorexia or had only known someone who had (or perhaps neither). Her bio mentions that she is a teacher at the Alberta Hospital (a mental institution) so perhaps the book is a reflection of her experience there. I recognize that the publishers probably wanted a happy ending for such a heavy topic. Also, I think it is good to give a message of hope to the teens who read the book (or twenty-somethings like me). I do think there is a way to be hopeful while also recognizing the long, and often grueling, times ahead. I have recently read a book that was successful at doing this which I will be reviewing in the future, so more on this later.


So, in summary, the book was interesting and I was thankful for it but didnt quite meet the heights it could have reached. Check it out!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

The Shame of Suicide

I am lucky to say that I have never attempted suicide. I am lucky to have never been in that place. I have been suicidal on a number of occasions but never passed the planning phase. During my last episode I approached the attempt phase dangerously. I am lucky to have had someone in my life who I decided I did not want to have to deal with my death. He saved me because I was there, it was over, he was the only reason why I didnt attempt my death.
Having been so close has required a certain level of healing. When people talk about suicide I feel very uncomfortable. I dont think many people know what it is like to be there in that space when there is only one option. When people talk about it it reminds me of what it was like being there and the sadness is unbearable. I also feel ashamed that I was so close to doing that to my partner. I know that ultimately I made the right choice but the shame of suicide has stayed with me.
Some people say that suicide is the most selfish act one can make. I dont know how I feel about this. I think that is something that people who have never been there would say. Something that people say when they find out that a friend or loved one was suicidal. I would agree it is selfish if we take selfish to mean only doing something for one's self. But I do think that some choices need to be made selfishly. This is not to say that I think suicide is the right option. Suicide is a permanent solution. I know that I choose temporary solutions to my pain, long term or short. If you are in that place do WHATEVER it takes to comfort yourself. Anything but that. I know that I hate when people say this but it will get better. When I first heard that I thought 'you just dont get it do you?' This will never get better. I am pained to say that I learned that this is in fact true. It does get better. Even if it gets only a little better... its better. And then it gets a bit better than that.. and so on.
I have made a decision now that I am recovered (however temporary that may be). If I am feeling that I am there again, that there is only that option, I will go to the emergency room and will sit with supervision until I can manage again. I think it is important to make decisions like this when one is lucid because it sticks with you when you are not and it can be the only voice that will get through your pain when all other voices cannot.
I am still healing from being in that place. I think that feeling of being so close will be with me for the rest of my life. I think this is a good thing, for maybe it will remind me how thankful I am that I did not commit suicide.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Remembering

The sight of your wrists
It makes my skin float,
my milky whites ache

So close

They feel transparent
Tear-able
A scratch will open
Pouring
Warm
Sick

Cheeks flushed and cold
Ears ring
Skin on edge

So close

The skin rattles
Ever thin
Pumping
Sound of pouring
Breath stalls
Fear breaks

So close

Calming now
Milky whites clean
Firm
I will remember how close