Looking Back

I keep a mood journal. Well, a very biased mood journal. I only really write in it when I am depressed. It does help me keep track of how I have been feeling, however. Sometimes I look back over it to see if I have made any progress and it can be shocking.

I am easily addicted to things whether they be substances or practices. I made a special section in my journal talking about addictions and last night I read my entries. It really made me see how addiction is linked to my depression. It seems I grasp for anything to distract me from the pain. Each episode I have tried different things - a consequence of doctors telling me not to drink, for example, because it is a poor way of dealing with pain and so next time I pick up a new substance to replace the coping mechanism I have lost. I have used alchol, pot, cigarettes, cutting, sex, food deprivation and even the habit of gaining attention as a means to cope. Whatever seems to work, for however short of a time, I cling to. I dont know how I will ever be able to get away from this. I have had years of therapy and yet substances and practices are still the most effective way of feeling better fast. I guess thats why they are addictive though isnt it?

Looking back last night did allow me to see that addiction is part of my illness that doesnt really affect me when I am doing well. Reading back also allows me to recognize the pain I have endured and that I have always made it through - sometimes I really do not know how. At the risk of sounding too positive, I think looking back is a healthy way of recognizing and learning from the past.

Update on Me

Well its been 6 months and Im glad to say I dont have very much to report. No news is good news when it comes to mental illness prognosis! I have had some minor tweeks to my med regime but nothing too extensive. I have some bad days but Im lucky that they are never worse than minor inconvenience. It seems I have stabilized for now. I am still going to acupuncture every two weeks - which helps both depressive and manic symptoms. I missed my appointment two weeks ago so I went a month without and definitely felt the difference. Recently my doctor and I (do you like how I pretend it is a partnership?) increased the dosage of my main antidepressant just to cover the last remaining symptoms I have, so I hope that goes well.

Side effects are still pretty mild. One strange one has to do with my vision: I get blurred vision and I have to consciously focus my eyes at times. I have glasses and it seems like my prescription is wrong, but I have had it all checked out and everything is fine there. This time to time blurred vision is really annoying. I have also found that my eyes cross really easily. I never use to be able to cross my eyes at all and now it seems my eyes enjoy it: anything gets close to my face and *pop* there goes my eyes. My doc says she has never heard of visual side effects but I figure the 'experts' never know everything (or anything really) about the medications they serve.

As for the police inquiry nothing has come of it. We reported it to the police (and we were very lucky to have a kind and understanding officer) but never heard anything of it. I am still convinced it was someone who works or worked in the building. Following this, I still do not feel completely secure in my apartment as I am always concerned that when I arrive home without my partner there will be someone there. (I know my doctor would have something to say about that: "forget this being a rational fear, I bet it is your anxiety acting up, plus a little paranoia we should keep an eye on").

Thats it for now. More to come...

A long sleep

Well, I have been away for quite some time now havent I? After vacation came school and with school came all that pesky homework. I really blame myself, however, for not keeping up with writing. As I have mentioned, not even my partner knows that I write this blog and writing it from home became a bit of a problem as my computer sits in the living room. I have also been disapointed to find that I have very little to inspire me to write. There is a lot going on in the world of mental illness and yet I have not been able to tap into it. I follow a number of organizations on Twitter and yet still no inspiration.
Starting up work again - very part time now and hopefully again this summer - will free up some time to write (how bad is that? I save my writing time for when I am on the clock! I blame myself, I honestly work so fast I generally work myself right out of a job daily and so have some free time). Hopefully the inspiration will come!